I was just a week away from turning 7 when I asked Jesus Christ to come into my heart and save me from my sin. I remember it clearly, the pastor had used the verse Revelation 3:20- “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me.”(ESV) And though I had heard this message often in my young life, I realized that this message wasn't just for adults, it was for kids too; it was for me!
Though I asked Christ into my heart, and I know I was saved at that moment, I don't believe that I realized what it meant to give my entire life to His control. At the age of 14 I got very sick, but no doctor could figure out what was wrong with me. For school, I was memorizing the verse Philippians 4:18- Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” (ESV) I figured that I had two choices in my life at that point: 1) Give in to anger and worry and be mad a the world and God, OR 2) I could trust the Lord and praise Him no matter what happened and train my mind to focus on what was true, honorable, etc. I chose to trust the Lord and praise Him whatever the outcome. I made a commitment to trusting Him not only in that situation, but throughout my whole life.
Nearly four years later, I learned that I had endometriosis; while, it's not a life threatening condition, it is extremely painful, and for a girl who wanted nothing more than to me a wife and mom the diagnosis was devastating. I was told that my case was so bad that I would not be able to bear children. Though devastated, I was reminded of my commitment to praise the Lord no matter what the outcome.
Two weeks later I started school at a one year intensive Bible program. I was struggling to make sense of what my purpose and goals should now be. God lead me to Psalm 37:4 “Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” (ESV) As I thought about that verse- a lot throughout that year- I realized that my purpose was to continue to grow in my knowledge of who God is and to obey and follow Him wherever He lead me. As I grow in my love and knowledge of Him, the Plan He has for me will become the desire of my heart. Breathtaking Truth!!! However, as I grew in my relationship with the Lord, my desire to be a wife and mother grew stronger. Not that I had a husband pick out or anything, I just knew that if that was what God wanted, He would make a way.
A year and a half after my journey at Bible College I was “dating”, Hero, a friend that I had gone to high school with. No we weren't high school sweethearts, just friends. I say “dating” because he was going to school about 500 miles away from where I was living. But as we got to know each other better through phone calls and lengthy letters (those were the days before everyone had email), we completely fell in love. Hero knew about my inability to bear children and about my health problems, but he loved me enough to want to marry me anyway. So, 10 months after we started “dating”, we were married, and I moved 500 miles away from home to be with my new husband.
We had been friends for a few years before we ever started “dating” so we had already known a lot about each other, but being married shows a lot more of a person's personality and forces you to be truly honest with each other. You can't hide much when two people share a 600 sq ft apartment. :) A couple months after the wedding, Hero opened up to me about his ongoing struggle with pornography, and his doubts about his salvation. You could have knocked me over with a feather with each of these proclamations; I was completely shocked!! My heart was heavy and broken.
After turning my world upside down, Hero promptly joined the world of Military Reserve Duty. This is a separate world in and of itself, completely different from the active military world and yet set apart from the civilian world. There is less support in this No Man's Land of the Reserves than you will find almost anywhere. Anyway, the military plus a man struggling spiritually, especially with the issue of pornography, equals one very fearful and insecure wife. When you add into the equation, over the next decade, three miracle babies, two long deployments, and a hysterectomy .... our life together has been an adventure, to say the least.
It is my goal in this blog to share with you about my journey from a terrified new bride: shackled slavishly to the monster of fear, to where I am today: learning to to be confident and content. Sure the monster of fear still rears it's ugly head and shackles me for a while (if I let it) but I'm learning to lean completely on the only Love that will never let me down.